Monday Thoughts

I was stuck in traffic this morning on my way to a chiropractor appointment and while on the freeway it occurred to me that people who drive motorcycles in between cars are straight up crazy. Especially dudes on motorcycles that maintain a constant speed of like 50+ mph while passing cars that are literally stopped in traffic. How badly do you have to hate living in order to do this to yourself? I’m slightly in awe, but I am also really jealous that I can’t do that in my car. I’m sure it saves time, but I find it so hard to believe that the amount of casualties and injuries that come from these maneuvers aren’t staggeringly high.

What if ‘Man Crush Monday’ was literally just photos of men being tragically crushed to death? Imagine people posting pictures on social media sites of a guy being crushed by a boulder or something and tagging it with #mancrushmonday.

After checking some stories on Snapchat and seeing a group of girls, who were all together at a restaurant each post an individual picture of their sandwich on their Snapchat story, I couldn’t help but wonder why it seems like so many girls post pictures on social media sites of themselves ‘enjoying’ an experience but really being focused solely on their social media image. To me it seems unbelievably superficial. In the past I have been around some female friends whether it be at a lake, on a hike, or at a beach, and it seems like they don’t have any fun at all. They literally are too focused on taking a million pictures of themselves smiling and laughing, but they fail to actually experience anything. Not all girls are like this, but it seems like the vast majority of the ones I know are. Bummer.

I had dinner with my family last night at a nice restaurant. Food was great, company was good, conversation was shit. The reason why is because for an hour and a half my mother and two sisters were in a heated discussion about whether or not Kristen Stewart was a natural blonde. As my dad and I blankly stared at each other with the same annoyance, I thought how in the hell it was possible that people could care so much about small details in the lives of others that they don’t even know. Wtf.

I don’t know if I am the only one who has realized this – but Starbucks ice is absolutely unreal. If you have ever left an iced drink from Starbucks in your car during a hot summer day, you will know exactly what I am talking about. The ice doesn’t melt for like 7 hours. Gawd damn magic. Bravo Starbucks.

Speaking of Starbucks, I’m an incoming college freshman and last week I had to attend an orientation session. In the beginning, we were broken up into groups of about 20 and had to go around the group and introduce ourselves, along with a pet peeve and a fact about ourselves. The people before me stood up and introduced themselves, with a really cool fact, like ‘having climbed X mountains’, or accomplishing some other incredible feat. They also listed some generic, normal sounding pet peeve, like ‘people who chew with their mouths open’, or ‘people who click their pen in class’ or something. Then it was my turn. And of course, I get up, say “Hi my name is Jack” and then proceed to sound like an absolute retard when I enthusiastically  pointed out that my biggest pet peeve was when people cut me in line in the Starbuck’s drive thru. If that doesn’t sound weird enough, the fun fact that I came up with about myself was that I “like fruit snacks.” Dammit Jack.

How am I supposed to act when someone says “I want to show you this really cool video I just found!” Maybe it’s just me, but I always find situations like this so awkward. I usually just end up watching whatever it is that they want to show me with a fake smile on my face, and every 30 seconds say something like “Oh my god that’s sick” or “Woah, that is so cool.” I then wrap things up by pretending to be absolutely blown away from whatever it is they just showed me. 

The other night I awoke in a cold sweat at like 3 in the morning after having an absolutely terrifying dream. In the dream, the cookie monster was a psycho-terrorist-criminal. The dream took place in the rural Middle East and it felt so real. The cookie monster was holding people hostage for cookies and beheading people in public town squares, exactly like Isis. There was a cookie monster revolution and cookies were being withheld from the cookie monster’s, so they held public demonstrations to those withholding the cookies. And then all of a sudden, the dream flashed to a busy intersection, where a cookie monster doused himself in gasoline and lit himself on fire. Exactly like that insane Vietnamese monk did in 1963. The cookie monster’s demanded all the cookies in the world, or they vowed to continue reigning terror. The cookie monsters banded together and created a huge caliphate that was slowly taking over the Middle East. Obama referred to them as the ‘JV team’ in a press conference he held and told the American public not to worry about them.

My dream is kinda hard to explain via text, so I drew a few pictures to better depict the torment I experienced that night.

Cookie monster beheadingIMG_1193Cookie monster squad

It’s been a strange couple of days.

Jack

My names Jack. I like fruit snacks, coffee, and knock-knock jokes. My mom thinks I need to go outside more.

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